


you won't get it

by daisiesforjjunie



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Feelings Realization, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Minor Character Death, Mutual Pining, and their relationship was super complicated, basically yeonjun is me, beomgyu is dumb for a nanosecond, but might be triggering, haha daddy issues, like very sad angst, soobin is the best boy ever, super super angst, turns kinda sweet at the end, will be in the notes, yeonjun's dad passed, yes this fic was just me projecting my own grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:55:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisiesforjjunie/pseuds/daisiesforjjunie
Summary: The thing was – Yeonjun wasn’t fragile. He wanted to talk about it, he really did. But every time he opened up his Kakao app and stared at the groupchat, he couldn’t help but wonder if they really did care. He scanned the text messages sent from Beomgyu, Taehyun, Hueningkai and Soobin. He read and reread every single word, trying to find some definite kind of fault in them so he could justify his weird feelings about them.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 4
Kudos: 80





	you won't get it

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this work has some triggering topics so: 
> 
> tw // mentions of death, grief, affair, a whole lot of daddy issues, abuse? (not sure if it counts but just thread carefully!) 
> 
> it's nothing toooo triggering but i know sometimes i need those tw so i kept that there in case. hope everyone's doing well. thank you for reading my one shot!

Life was always complicated for Choi Yeonjun.

On the one hand, he was Yeonjun hyung, the playful yet reliable older brother among his group of close-knit friends. He was funny, always cheerful and always smiling at everyone. He was friendly, which made everyone feel at ease with him although he was a tiny bit intimidating. All of that fades away when you actually get to know him and then he’s the most ridiculous person you’d ever get to know. (Of course, in a good way)

So when his father died, something snapped in him.

Yeonjun loved his friends, he really did. But he was getting tired of how everyone was starting to get on his nerves.. and he didn’t know why. He knew he was an asshole for getting annoyed by small, petty little things but he couldn’t help it. Not when everyone gave him nothing but pity on the first few weeks of him grieving. No one wanted to overstep their boundaries so they tiptoed around Yeonjun carefully, crafting each of their sentences ever so gently so they wouldn’t crack Yeonjun’s fragile state.

The thing was – Yeonjun wasn’t fragile. He wanted to talk about it, he really did. But everytime he opened up his Kakao app and stared at the groupchat, he couldn’t help but wonder if they really did care. He scanned the text messages sent from Beomgyu, Taehyun, Hueningkai and Soobin. He read and reread every single word, trying to find some definite kind of fault in them so he could justify his weird feelings about them.

In theory, no one had really said anything wrong. It had been all generic ‘I’m there for you if you need anyone’ messages. But did people really mean that? Was that just something you should say to a friend who just lost a parent?

Yeonjun couldn’t help but feel insecure. It was hard enough navigating all the feelings he had inside of him, he really did not want to dissect it all with someone who wasn’t 100% willing to actually listen.

It made things even more difficult when Yeonjun considered the fact that none of his friends actually knew what his life at home was like.

Yeonjun was never shy about how he felt about his mum, constantly boasting about how much he loved his mum. On the rare chance that his friends visited his house, they all spotted the framed picture of Yeonjun’s mum on his bookshelf. They all knew that she was a ‘cool’ mum, one who watched countless K-Dramas, read fanfiction and followed a Park Shin Hye updates account. They also knew about how good her cooking was and how she had funny anecdotes from her childhood.

However, no one knew about his dad.

No one knew about the stroke his dad had when he was fifteen. No one knew about how Yeonjun had been the one to find out his dad was having an affair on his mum after reading some inappropriate texts. No one knew about how Yeonjun had to spend every night at the hospital, sitting beside his dad who couldn’t even sit up properly to eat or drink. No one knew about the night his mum had threatened to leave and no one knew about the night where she actually did for a few hours.

No one knew about the reason why Yeonjun always called his mum after school, afraid that his mum had stayed true to her threat. No one really knew why Yeonjun was suddenly frantically looking for part-time jobs. They did know that his dad ended up unemployed after a while, but they didn’t know just how bad it all was at home. No one knew about the tense nights he had spent in his bed, curling into himself as he listened to his dad scream and cry about how he wanted to die. No one knew about how Yeonjun had selfishly and horribly wished for his dad to disappear under his breath, to fade away from his life and take away all their sadness.

How could anyone know? Yeonjun loved his friends but he couldn’t trust any of them with that information. To them, Yeonjun just had a tough life having to take care of his own self.

So when Beomgyu casually made a ‘your mum’ joke at Yeonjun on a Discord call with his friends, he had playfully told Beomgyu to leave his mum out of it.

“Okay then your dad!” Beomgyu retorted back, making Yeonjun freeze instantly.

Yeonjun blinked at the screen for a second, feeling a wave of discomfort wash over him. He swallowed the lump in his throat and laughed uncomfortably.

“Hey,” Yeonjun just said, his heart swelling with bitterness.

Beomgyu continued talking, going off about something else. But Yeonjun couldn’t stop replaying the moment in his mind.

From the moment he hung up on the call to the moment he laid down on his bed, Yeonjun couldn’t help but think of how easily it had slipped past Beomgyu. How his own dad was fucking dead and none of his friends bothered to remember it. It had only been four weeks. FOUR WEEKS. No one even corrected Beomgyu, which made Yeonjun feel infinitely worse.

As Yeonjun tossed and turned in his bed, he heard his phone vibrate next to him. He frowned, already thinking about he was not in the mood to talk to any of his friends right now.

**‘soobin the giant rabbit: hey hyung, you awake?’**

Yeonjun contemplated not replying. He found himself thumbing out a reply anyways.

**‘just about to sleep. whats up?’**

He didn’t have to wait long for Soobin’s reply.

**‘soobin the giant rabbit: wanted to check in on u. do u wanna meet up for breakfast tomorrow? wanted to talk to u about something.’**

\---

Soobin looked up cautiously at his hyung, watching as he devoured a plate of pancakes. At least he was eating, Soobin thought to himself. That’s a good sign, right?

“Hyung,” Soobin prodded gently.

The older boy looked up from his plate and nodded, urging him to continue. Soobin took a deep breath and clasped his hands together nervously.

“Are you okay?”

Yeonjun stopped chewing for a second, staring at Soobin with his cheeks full of food. He seemed to snap out of his trance, blinking quickly and nodding his head vigorously.

“Yeah, why do you ask?” Yeonjun mumbled, continuing to shovel food into his mouth.

Soobin shrugged, “I thought you might want to talk about what happened last night.. you know?”

“What happened last night?” the older boy questioned, “nothing happened.”

“Hyung,” Soobin said firmly. He unclasped his hands and reached out towards Yeonjun’s own. Pulling Yeonjun’s hands down, he forced Yeonjun to let go of his utensils and held onto his hands tightly.

Yeonjun wanted to protest but Soobin shook his head, looking at Yeonjun dead in the eyes.

“I heard what Beomgyu said,” Soobin softly said, “I know you were hurt by it.”

The blonde shook his head, a fake smile plastered all over his face.

“Nah, I knew he was joking. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not,” Soobin frowned, “how is that okay?” 

Yeonjun titled his head nonchalantly, even though his entire body was on fire.

“People forget stuff, it’s normal.”

“Hyung, I’d never forget that your dad passed away.”

The table went silent and Yeonjun dropped the light-hearted act, his eyes flickering down the table as he tried not to react to what Soobin said. Soobin squeezed Yeonjun’s hands and rubbed his thumb over Yeonjun’s knuckles.

“I know you’re not okay, hyung,” Soobin whispered, “it’s okay if you’re not. You can talk to me about it.”

Yeonjun scoffed, pulling his hands away from Soobin. He shot Soobin a dirty glare.

“Is this why you called me here? To talk about my dad? I told you – I don’t want to talk about it. So stop asking.”

With that, Yeonjun snatched up his satchel and stormed out of the restaurant, making the other customers stare after him. Soobin barely had time to register what was happening until he caught a glimpse of Yeonjun walking away on the glass window’s reflection. Fumbling into his pockets, Soobin pulled out a random twenty dollar note and put it down on the table.

He shot up from his seat, his feet desperately moving to catch his older hyung.

“Hyung! Stop, please wait! Hyung!” Soobin hollered, chasing after Yeonjun.

The blonde peeked behind his shoulder and picked up his pace. It was no match for Soobin as he quickly caught up to his friend, a determined but anxious look on his face.

“Hyung, please, listen to me!” Soobin exclaimed, gripping Yeonjun’s wrist, “don’t run away. Please.”

Yeonjun stood guarded as he glared at Soobin.

“Stop trying to make me talk about my dad, I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Why not?” Soobin knew he looked a bit like an asshole right now, but he needed to do this. He couldn’t stand to watch his hyung drift apart futher and further away from him, not when Soobin just figured out exactly how much he loved Yeonjun.

“Just because,” Yeonjun said back just as firmly.

“That’s not a reason.”

“Soobin, I’m going to get very angry in just a second if you don’t drop it.”

“Get angry then,” Soobin gripped Yeonjun’s wrist tighter, “at least you’d tell me the truth.”

“Soobin,” Yeonjun warned.

The younger boy didn’t back down, “talk to me, please.”

“Fuck Soobin, you won’t get it! You won’t fucking get it!”

At the sound of Yeonjun’s shout, Soobin faltered a bit. He had never been yelled at by his hyung, but as he stood and watched tears prickle at the side of Yeonjun’s eyes and felt the way his hand was shaking, Soobin didn’t mind.

He watched as Yeonjun’s shoulders heaved up an down, his heavy breaths taking over his entire body.

Soobin stepped closer towards Yeonjun slowly, cautiously bringing one of his hands up slowly. When Yeonjun didn’t move or reject his touch, Soobin gently cupped the side of Yeonjun’s face. He tilted Yeonjun’s head slightly so that he would look at him.

“Then help me understand it, Yeonjun hyung,” Soobin softly whispered, “we’ll work through it together, like we always did.”

Yeonjun shut his eyes tightly, biting his lip hardly as tears rolled down his cheek.

“You won’t get it,” Yeonjun repeated, as if he was saying a mantra over and over again, “you won’t get it.”

“Maybe not,” Soobin nodded, “I’ve never lost a parent before. But I don’t want you to do this alone, hyung. I care about you way too much to act as if everything is okay when it’s not.”

The older boy sighed.

“It’s a long story,” Yeonjun weakly tried again.

Soobin smiled grimly, “I’ve got time.”

\---

Yeonjun had never told anyone the sob story that was his life in full entirety, but from the way Soobin’s face crumpled with sadness, Yeonjun was beginning to regret it. He looked away from Soobin, hugging his own knees to his chest as he stared out at the Han River.

“Hyung..” Soobin softly said, his hands playing with the edge of Yeonjun’s jacket.

“If you’re going to say you’re sorry, please don’t,” Yeonjun said, “it’s not your fault and I’ll literally go out of my mind if someone else says it to me.”

The air outside was beginning to get too cold and Yeonjun shivered, feeling the chill get to him. They had been sitting in front of the Han River for a while as Soobin let Yeonjun go on an hour storytime about.. well, everything. Yeonjun didn’t know why, but it only took one look into Soobin’s warm brown eyes for him to feel safe.

With one glance, Yeonjun trusted him and told him everything.

“I didn’t know it was this bad,” Soobin mumbled.

Yeonjun shrugged, “no one knew.”

“You went through that all alone,” Soobin trailed off, his grip on Yeonjun’s jacket getting tighter.

The older boy didn’t reply. He just nodded.

“You know,” Yeonjun refused to look at his younger friend, “this is going to sound horrible but I still miss him sometimes. My dad wasn’t perfect, yeah. But sometimes.. we had moments where he would be a dad. He used to always stand at my door and just stare at me while I was on my computer and I’d ask him what he wanted. He’d just smile and leave. Or sometimes I’d wake up to random songs from the 2000’s being played in the living room. I remember when he used to watch movies on his computer and he’d always watch the same few movies, but I’d still peek over his shoulder and watch them with him.”

Yeonjun didn’t realize he was crying until he tasted his own salty tears. He laughed dryly, wiping his cheeks quickly.

“After he died, I thought I would still be angry or sad about all the things he did,” Yeonjun admitted, “but honestly, I only found myself remembering the good things about him. It was like all the hurt and shit didn’t matter, even though it does. I didn’t get to have closure about anything and I was even about to forgive him for all he did and start over again.. but I can’t do that now.”

Soobin, who was silent for the entire time, moved from his spot on the floor so that he was sitting directly in front of Yeonjun. He grabbed onto Yeonjun’s hands, interlocking their hands together. Yeonjun didn’t argue, he let Soobin hold his hands because he liked it more than he wanted to admit. Soobin held their interlocked hands up to his lips and he pressed a barely there kiss onto their hands.

He smiled up warmly at Yeonjun, his brown eyes shining with something Yeonjun couldn’t put his finger on.

“Tell me about the good memories you have about him,” Soobin suggested.

Yeonjun blinked, his cheeks pink.

“Huh?”

“I want to hear about the good memories your dad left you. I like listening to them, they’re nice,” Soobin said, “and you know he’s still here, right?”

The older boy rolled his eyes a little, “if you say something corny.”

“I won’t,” Soobin giggled a bit, “but you’re still allowed to forgive him, even if he’s not alive anymore. And I don’t know anything about grief, but I know what it’s like to lose someone. Remembering the best things about them and keeping them close to you can help make it all hurt a bit less. I’ll listen to them and its like a new piece of him lives in those little stories you tell me. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

Yeonjun just stared at Soobin, dazed by how Soobin was.. well, Soobin. With his twinkling brown eyes that looked so much like coming home, to his warmth and comforting smell, Yeonjun felt every single ounce of regret or hesitance evaporate.

Yeonjun knew he was far from okay, maybe he will always never be okay.

But looking at this gem of a person in front of him - one who had never backed down even when Yeonjun resisted - Yeonjun realized that it wouldn’t be all bad either.

If he had to live with this balance of okay and not okay for a while, Yeonjun was okay with it.

Hell, maybe one day, Yeonjun would feel okay enough to finally tell Soobin how he truly felt about him. (Just as he had planned to before his dad passed)

For now, Yeonjun was content with sitting in front of the Han River, holding hands with the boy he found a home in.


End file.
